My therapist tells me that in relationships there are no guarantees and that is the risk you take. well, i risked and was not rewarded.

my ego is feeling deflated and i’m feeling sad and rather rejected currently. it appears that the fling i’ve been having is coming to an end. it was complicated and not a good match on paper, but the intangible aspects of this person made it very easy to overlook the obvious. it was refreshing to meet someone so open and honest, someone so in touch with and able to communicate their feelings. i wish i would have had the opportunity to learn more from him in that regard. actually i think i stood to learn a great deal from him. however, he giveth and he taketh away.

i try not to live with regrets, so i will choose to take this opportunity for what it was… a much appreciated dabble back into the dating world. luckily i’m very comfortable being single and have a very strong support system, so in time i’ll be just fine. a friend told me to “throw him back for the seagulls”. :/

in conclusion, like he said to me multiple times, i’m dodging a bullet. just call me neo.

Oh dating…

8 Nov 2015 In: dating

So in the waning months of my 39th year I find myself dating again.

I am not accustomed to being showered with compliments, but I’m hearing them a lot lately and it feels nice after the initial uncomfortableness.
My instincts are to dismiss compliments. This one person in particular I’m seeing is very generous with kind words. My past relationships make me immediately skeptical of his MO.  I’d really like to believe he’s being honest, but I feel compelled to keep my guard up. It does feel nice to be talked so sweetly to though. :( just the power of hearing someone say they miss you is strong. Ugh.

Not that this applies, but I can’t remember the last time I told someone I loved them. It’s quite possible I’ve never loved anyone outside of family.

I don’t know where this post is going or what I was hoping to accomplish, I just need to get some of this out of my system. :)

Anxiety

20 Oct 2015 In: General

This week I’m having a semi permanent birth control device put in place. On paper this is a no brainer. It’s a 5 year solution that will not only prevent unwanted births, but potentially my period altogether if all goes right.

Not having had children, I’m not used to, or looking forward to having the doctor manipulate my cervix. It sounds painful and I made the mistake of reading all about it, including the potential risks and I’m actually losing sleep over this.

I’m also starting to wonder if part of my anxiety has to do with this being the final “nail in the coffin” if you will of my reproductive years. Yes, I can always remove this device, and god forbid I have problems with it and NEED to have it removed, but essentially there will be no chance for me to become pregnant for the next 5 years. I know that is the responsible thing to do, and in my head that’s what makes the most sense.

I guess I’m just mourning the idea that I would be a mom some day.

And now I’m crying in the allergy waiting room. Way to keep it together.. Go me. Omg the tech just asked if I was okay.

these nieces of mine

28 Nov 2014 In: General

i felt compelled to write down a few of the hysterical interactions we’ve had..

1. at wegmans while we were stocking up on snacks from the bulk section, i turn my back for a second and they are just going all hands in to the gum drops and gumballs. then when i screech, what are you doing!?! zoe drops about 19 of them onto the floor and quickly drops to all fours to scoop them up. another harried strange child goes in for the assist.. they all ended up back in zoe’s bag. it was a losing effort on my part.

2. walking from the store to the car i advise them against walking on the black ice. of course that’s ONLY where they’ll walk after hearing my precautions. when i insist they walk on the dry pavement i get a “Becky! we’re just tryin’ ta have some fun!”

3. about 6 minutes into the movie, Big Hero 6, zoe wanted to leave. fill her juice bottle with water from the bathroom. and just go to the bathroom in general. at least 2 more times throughout the movie she asked when it was going to be over.

4. after many tears, teagan told me she doesn’t like sad movies!!!

5. my tenant in the basement left for the evening and before he leaves the house he typically douses himself in cologne. tonight was no different. zoe wanders into the kitchen some time afterwards and comes running over to me her face lit up, pressing her hands together against her cheek, swooning, “oh, he smells so handsome!”

6. they love to play dress up at my house, and they love the “evil dresses”. so they were playing evil witches and zoe insisted i make her have “evil hair”.. not really knowing what that is, nor having the time/desire to do such a thing, i offer to put a pair of my precious renaissance fair horns in her hair.. she looks in the mirror in complete shock and says, “I LOOK LIKE A COW!”

i love these little girls to pieces, they make me laugh so hard. i am sure i will have more things to add to this list tomorrow.

 

it’s time to trade in the Mini. :(

22 Nov 2014 In: General

sad days.. my car has seen better days. instead of putting an endless amount of cash into it, i think it might be best to trade it in while it still has some value. i wish it wasn’t a 2008, or model year. i feel like that is contributing to the issues my car is having. :( it was a good 4 years for me though.

i’m not sure what i’ll get next, but it will need to be substantially cheaper. my new goal in owning a car is that it last longer than my loan. i’ve never been without a car loan..

i can’t believe the holidays are here already… life is going by so fast these days.