There’s a very simple way to get past the ugly cry face. Cry everyday. I do it. At work behind my monitors, in the car, especially in the car, in the shower, in bed. I’ve probably been crying more or less every day for the last year. When you just cry when the feeling hits you, you don’t build up a flood and thus avoid the “face”.

The last 12 months have given me many opportunities to practice this. It’s been a year of firsts without my dad, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, birthdays, the Greek festival…

I didn’t make the connection till I lost my shit when I got back form CO¬†at Ryan’s that I’m exhausted and overwhelmed and sad and anxious, I’m tapped out. Accepting that Aunt Theresa is gone and now as we approach Father’s Day, and the anniversary of my Dads death, I feel depleted. My reserves are gone, I can’t be strong right now.

In less than a month will be the anniversary of that fateful Tuesday we took the kids to Billy Beez, Margaritaville and then an emergency stop at the green playground. That day, what seemed like 12 ambulances screamed by and Emily looked at me and said, “I don’t have a good feeling about this…”. That day we packed all the kids with no seat belts or car seats into the car to make the 3 block trek back home. That day my aunt Theresa intercepted me on the front lawn and hugged me and said “it’s the worst thing that could happen” when I asked what was going on. i didn’t realize he had in fact died in the driveway until we got to the hospital. the EMTs pretty much sugar coated the situation and gave me the hope i needed that something would be done at the hospital that allowed me to drive there.

i can only assume that my emotions might be getting the best of me in the next few weeks. more opportunities to perfect my cry face.