The rapist

26 Jan 2016 In: General

One of the better investments I’ve made in the last few years is in regularly seeing my therapist. I’ve been seeing this guy on and off (much more on lately) for at least 4 years now. He is quirky, but I always take something away each week. Lately he’s given me these couple of tidbits…

1. “The honeymoon period” – I was emotionally expressing some guilt I was feeling in not physically being around that much lately at Caths house. He was quick to explain that in dating the honeymoon period is critical to the long term health of a relationship. He said its memories from those moments that you reflect on that sustain the relationship when times are harder. Similar to the bonding moments that parents have with their newborn children. He urged me that it was necessary to have those moments.

2. “falling in my lap” – tonight I mentioned that things are going so well in my life right now and how it makes me a little nervous wondering when things are going to fall apart, and that I feel a little bit like this new relationship has fallen in my lap. He cut me off immediately and pointed out all the work I’ve been doing on myself and getting my life in order to be ready when the right relationship came by. He said this opportunity has definitely not happened by chance, and that I’ve worked very hard to make it happen.

**tangent** Reflecting on what I’ve made happen makes me think of the service I went to in Portland years ago where basically the message of the sermon was “god makes everything happen, don’t be over proud of what you accomplish, give god credit, HE made it happen”.

It’s entirely possible that I am misinterpreting the message of that sermon, but it still makes me irate thinking that anything good (or bad I suppose) that happens to me is not something I should feel accomplished or proud of. I probably should look that message up, I think I saved the program from that service because I was so dumbfounded, I have to be misinterpreting that lesson… **end tangent**

Anyway, those 2 particular nuggets of advice were ones I don’t want to forget, so what better way to preserve then than sharing them with the world. ;)

it’s coming

22 Jan 2016 In: General

time is the one thing you can’t stop and in less than one month it will bowl me over and i’ll be 40 years old. whoa.

i can’t say i regret anything as i reflect on where my life is at this monumental point. i do have a wish list for the future though and i’d say i’m in the best position yet as far as accomplishing these things in the next decade, if not sooner.

1. More passport stamps. i’ve already got a trip to Puerto Rico in the calendar, but Chile (Easter Island), more France, maybe Germany (Dresden), Australia, New Zealand.. i’m coming for you. also more cruises, that one last year was outstanding.

2. More visiting friends and family. i’m fortunate to know so many people scattered across this great country, i need to work in some vacations for visiting.

3. Eliminate credit card debt. i’ve been working on this since April 2013… and to date, i’ve eliminated over $17k. i’m counting that as a huge success and hopefully can bang out the remaining $5.5k before i turn 41. :) if my math is correct, this *should* be attainable.

4. Get married. this isn’t an immediate need. hell, i’ve waited this long.. children are no longer on the wish list, and since i’m only getting married one time, i am going to make sure it’s right, so i have all the time in the world if i need it. also.. falling in love has given me some confidence that this is an attainable goal.

5. Make more art. I have not prioritized painting, drawing or printmaking in recent years and that is rather sad. i’d like to get back into hand making my christmas cards again at the very least.

6. Play more games. Playing games and having game nights really is joyous. i need more of this in my life.

I think I get it now.

10 Jan 2016 In: dating

When I hear people say that they “knew immediately” that their significant other was “the one”. The skeptic in me usually feigns and impressed look, but internally I roll my eyes. I mean, come on, that’s movie shit. That doesn’t happen in real life. Those feelings are reserved for teenagers and the weak. :)

Until last month, I wholeheartedly believed that. I’ve never been in love, lust maybe, ;). But then I met this guy. He is nice, humble, fair haired, free with his praise, reserved, respectful, engaging. Not at all like the guys I had been meeting or thinking I was looking for. I wasn’t ready for him to be so into me so it was a little disconcerting at first. It was after our second date and hours and hours of conversation that I started to let my guard down. He didn’t try to kiss me on either of our dates, that’s when I started to fall. He wasn’t coming on strong, I didn’t feel any pressure, he didn’t have any ulterior motives. The kindness and compliments kept coming even when I confessed that I’m not good at taking them. They may have even increased.

Currently I spend more time than I should looking at or listening for my phone. Then smiling at it and floating through my day.

This is probably a temporary feeling, but I can safely say that I’ve never experienced this and it surprises me how quickly it happened. It might even qualify for “immediately”. Whatever this is, I don’t want it to end. ;)

Smitten

21 Dec 2015 In: dating

one of the definitions of Smite is:

to affect mentally, morally, or emotionally with a strong and sudden feeling: They were smitten with terror.

i hesitate to to write this post as not to “jinx” anything but my gut feeling is telling me to throw caution to the wind.

at the time of my last post “new guy” was just that. 2 cups of coffee, a few hours of storytelling and a back and forth with a dinner on the horizon. fast forward a week and i’m counting down the minutes till we hang out again, we’ve seen each other 5 times in 8 days. I don’t recall the last time i have felt this strongly, let alone this strongly this quickly. i am typically pretty guarded with my heart… but i’ve not seen any reason not to be as open and giving with my feelings as he is. i’m not going to lie, it’s a little bit scary, but exhilarating at the same time. i’m in on this one, more than willing to see where it goes. i think i’ve found the divine intervention i asked for.

i think maybe i’ve wandered into the right store and there’s a great holiday sale going on.

Adventures in dating… a 2015 recap

13 Dec 2015 In: dating

Since early October I’ve been dating. Primarily online. While in my previous relationship I had some serious FOMO about Tinder so naturally that was the first place I went. For those unfamiliar with Tinder, it’s an app for your phone that presents you with potential mates that you decide if you like based on very little criteria, photo (s), age, radius/location, brief blurb. If the both of you “like” each other it’s considered a match, and you can chat. Tinder is free.

After meeting up with my first Tinder match and having them pull up my outdated okcupid profile on our first date, I decided to try that venue too, with updated info. While I had success with this site in the past, my profile wants/desires were at least 3 years old. This site is also free and allows for more of an understanding on potential mates. They can volunteer all kinds of info like height, income, education, smoking, drinking status. There are more predefined spots to detail interests, they can fill out what their potential mate should be, height, body type, income, etc. the most interesting part of okcupid is the “questions” area. You can paint a very intimate picture of yourself just based on the questions you’ve answered. Potential mates only see a persons answers if you’ve both publicly answered the questions, but you can at least see all the questions they’ve answered. When a person has 17 pages about cheating, threesomes, bondage.. It’s hard not to draw some conclusions and preconceived notions about them.

After some failed dates from these 2 sites, I decided to pay for Match again. I think it’s cost me like $70 something dollars so far, I really hope I signed up for 3 months for that cost. The app version of this site is terrible, it also feels like it’s trying to be Tinder with its yes or no “quick matches”. I do want to believe people from Match are a little more serious, as it is a pay site, and also I think it weeds out some of the trash you find on okcupid and plenty of fish. I’ve not updated my profile at POF yet, I think i’m going to skip it this time around. There tend to be a lot of the same people on there and okcupid.

There’s a new app that I just signed up with called The Grade, it is supposedly a female friendly dating app that weeds out the creeps by downgrading profiles that are incomplete, contain grammar mistakes, or have poor photo quality.. The issue I’m seeing with it currently is that it’s got a very small pool of users in Syracuse.. This one is also free.

As per usual, i like to record my experiences, so lest I forget any dates, funny experiences, details, and most importantly learning opportunities, I’m going to recap my experiences thus far. Disclaimer: I’ve changed the names to protect the innocent (or not so innocent).

Pants
This was my first date since my 2+ year relationship ended. I was at a point where on a physical level I thought my sex drive had disappeared, and it had really, for at least a year, maybe longer. I knew I wanted to test the waters again, and Pants proved to be instrumental in jump starting that battery. However, such is life, he was coming from more than one complicated situation. It was apparent and communicated early on that with my long term goal of finding someone to settle down with he was not going to fit into that mold. Despite knowing all the ways this would not be a sustainable relationship, i was having too much fun to walk away. My batteries were still charging! I loved the attention and comfortable nature of our interactions. He was very charming and good at reading people, saying what I needed to hear, being the appropriate level of affectionate at the right times. The opposite of my last relationship. There were some red flags though. Other relationships he was maintaining, some jealous behaviors, some boundary/privacy violations, and a couple times where he would psychologically scare me to see how I would react. He wouldn’t give me his phone number, seeing where he lived wasn’t an option, and being together in public had an element of uncomfortableness to it. We carried on for about a month and it was exhilarating, fun and passionate. Just what I needed to believe was possible again. Eventually he chose to pursue another of his relationships and cut me loose.

Pants has actually turned into a valuable resource since our short time together though. He’s still fun to communicate with, I’m still learning chess, he doesn’t hold back when I ask for advice on potential suitors, and he maintains his complimentary esteem building nature towards me.

Age: Mid 30s
Ethnicity: Latino/Asian
Venue: Tinder
First date: Dunkin Donuts, Parkway, Sahota Palace – coffee, walking, dinner
Dick pics: no, but I think he wanted to send some
Strengths: excellent communicator, very open, chess phenom, brilliant, extremely quick wit, intoxicatingly fun, sober, competitive, self aware, in therapy
Interesting things of note: can use chopsticks, has a bunch of kids
Lessons I should learn from this experience: Listen if someone tells you to run. Talking about issues doesn’t need to be as anxiety inducing as I like to make it. I don’t like dating in secret.
Status: electronic friend / consultant

 

Jungle Baby
I met this gentleman for coffee one afternoon. He was very attractive, we had a palpable connection and the conversation was pretty easy. I’m pretty good at keeping a conversation going and avoiding awkward silences though. This guy was extremely educated and I think he is pursuing a Ph.D. He had lived in some major cities and other countries. He talked more than once during our date and in text conversations about cooking for me. I let him know my dietary preferences (no seafood, no bones..) he didn’t seem phased and even claimed not to like seafood himself. We texted a few times after that date in an attempt to meet again, but it wasn’t seeming to work and I was still too distracted by Pants to care about it, so that fizzled out.

Age: late 30s or mid 30s
Ethnicity: I forget, some Caribbean island I think
Venue: okcupid
First date: Starbucks – coffee
Dick pics: no, but…
Strengths: Smelled great. Seemed genuinely interested in me. Very complimentary.
Interesting things of note: He had a wide range of niche interests, hair cutting, djing, barista-ing, tree studies. He sent me multiple photos of himself in his “Halloween” costume which consisted of just strategically placed leaves… Calling it “jungle baby”.
Lessons I should learn from this experience: I’m not sure what the learning opps were here.
Status: done


Minivan

I had lengthy written correspondence with this guy prior to our date. I don’t know if this hindered the date or not. There were multiple times where he would ask, “what else?”. I think he was nervous. He also ordered before I got there leaving me to order my own drink. Not a deal breaker, but something I noted. He was child and wife free, had a stable job, didn’t own his own place. He drove a minivan, by choice. And a motorcycle. He also had a flip phone, by choice. These factors, a lack of spark, plus the Pants distraction led to my ending this with him before a further date was scheduled. He was very nice, but it just wasn’t there. He casually mentioned at the end of our date that he might “stop by” trivia one of these days. That horrified me.

Age: early 40s
Ethnicity: white
Venue: okcupid
First date: Panera – coffee
Dick pics: no
Strengths: Tall. Stable.
Interesting things of note: odd choices in cars and technology.
Lessons I should learn from this experience: There should be a level of excitement on my part.
Status: done


The Professor
My physical attraction to this guy was kind of strong on paper, he looked like a comedian I really like, he was a professor, and he had well written correspondences. What I should have paid attention to was that his tangent filled, wordy responses were just a tip of the verbal iceberg. We met for sushi and sake one Saturday evening. He was a regular at this place, he had all sorts of knowledge of who was sleeping with whom amongst the waitstaff and management. He ordered sushi, and used a fork to eat it, that was disconcerting to me. He talked. A lot. About himself. A lot. He is writing a book/screenplay/reviews/articles. He has agents, publicists, partners, etc. He also knows famous people. He was going to LA for December break. The name dropping and self aggrandizing never ended. It was a true challenge trying to feign interest in him. His focus in life is music and musicians, he plays the piano, self taught. Music has never been a strong interest of mine, sure I have some bands and genres I casually like, but this guy quoted lyrics all night, and told me back stories of musicians I had barely heard of. I might have gotten in maybe 5 minutes of talking the entire night. He did at one point ask me what I was thinking, I told him I didn’t feel like I had a lot to contribute to his conversation. He laughed and said something like I could be taught. We had a further drink at a bar afterwards where he met some of my friends, I later learned they were less than impressed. He drove me home and walked me to the door. He wanted to come in, I declined, he kissed me on the porch and made a date for the next night. I was surprised he wanted to see me again as I saw nothing that I had to bring to the table in this relationship.

He picked me up for our 2nd date and we went out for Mexican, once again he was a regular and once again he grandstanded. Afterwards we went to his house where he was going to play me some piano. He did. It was muddy sounding. He doesn’t read music, just plays by ear, he also sang. He told me he could play anything, except a lot of the songs I requested. He downright refused to play Pearl Jam. He said he chose sides in the 90’s and he picked Nirvana. Oh, now is probably a good time to mention that he was separated. His wife and child live down state, but they had lived in his house at some point because there were baby gates all over and toys on the porch. He still wore his wedding ring which turns out had some holocaustic significance that I didn’t want to push. His place looked like it had been robbed of all its furniture, window coverings and artwork. It was kind of sad actually, empty wine bottles strewn about. When the musical portion of the evening was over he went upstairs and I milled around in the dark of the living room sensing where this was going. Eventually he came to collect me. I resisted his advances in his bedroom and eventually he satisfied himself. I felt bad for him, but I just wasn’t feeling any sort of reciprocated interest on his part, so I wasn’t going to sleep with him. We ended up watching The Affair before he drove me home, I don’t know if he was angered or embarrassed about it, but he said on the ride home, “I think you did the right thing by not sleeping with me”. I think I did too.

Age: early 40s
Ethnicity: white
Venue: Match
First date: Kyoko – sushi/sake
Dick pics: no
Strengths: Educated. Well traveled. Good grammar.
Interesting things of note: Flaming narcissist. Incompatible kisser.
Lessons I should learn from this experience: Don’t waste time with people super into music, you’re not into it and you won’t be.
Status: done


Darts
This was a guy a met on Tinder. Most Tinder matches for me end up being based on more of a physical nature, you know, the info available is so limited.. This guy had the look I like, dark hair, dark eyes, facial hair, masculine. We decided to meet after very limited correspondence. We met for drinks.. I knew almost immediately I wanted to be physical with this guy. A bunch of drinks later and a competitive game of darts made that a reality. He works an off schedule where he doesn’t get out of work till midnight or something, and I think he works like 6 days a week.. His car also reeked of pot. Also not really a good conversationalist. I was craving some affection and I got some. Will this turn into anything, no. Was it fun, absolutely.

Age: late 30s
Ethnicity: Italian
Venue: Tinder
First date: Papa Gallo – drinks, chips and salsa
Dick pics: no
Strengths: Good looking. Great kisser.
Interesting things of note: Best kisser in years.
Lessons I should learn from this experience: Not into potheads. Dates that begin with alcohol have little potential for long term.
Status: done?


CT
Hmm. This guy I have not met in person. He’s a theory at this point. We matched on Tinder when he was in town for work and has been out of state ever since. We’ve been chatting off and on for a month.. I’m so attracted to him it makes me blush thinking about it, he actually has a LOT of similarities to Pants. We chat as though we will connect next time he’s in town, I’m having a battle between my mind and my impulses on whether or not to meet up with him. I know right now he’s not the one, but I am so drawn to him and compelled to experience him in person that I’m really struggling with what to do. You folks are witnessing questionable choices being made in real time. I just feel like I will regret not meeting him if I don’t at least make an attempt. Maybe a higher purpose will intervene and for some reason it won’t work out, and I won’t have regrets. I think I need to get my therapists thoughts and insights about why I am so drawn to him and others like him next week.

Age: my age
Ethnicity: white
Venue: Tinder
First date: hasn’t happened
Dick pics: dick VIDEOS
Strengths: Attraction is off the charts. Off the charts. He’s open and honest. Blue collar. Funny. Confident.
Interesting things of note: His step dad just died last month.
Lessons I should learn from this experience: Sex addicts are not helping me get closer to my end goal of finding “the one”.
Status: texting


Long Island
This was a misstep on my part. This guy reached out to me on okcupid. I had looked at his profile after I saw that he looked at mine, he had that look I like, but he lives in Long Island, so I didn’t really think much of him. He contacted me and right away he wanted to send me a photo of his junk. He was insistent. Fine, I let him. It was a penis, they’re not all too different. He was uncircumcised and in need of a trim. Our conversation were flirty and progressed to the point where we talked on the phone, I considered meeting up with him. Then I did a little research… He had given me an email address and said it was his “fake” email. I took that to mean the account you use to sign up for giveaways, subscription based emails, etc. When I started to deep dive into Google on this guy I unearthed some crazy shiz. The name he gave me was not matching up to the multiple SM accounts I was finding with his photo, location, and even one where he had posted some compromising videos he had taken with a woman. He talked vaguely about a personal website he was creating that he couldn’t talk about.. I found that site which also had this alternate name.. When I confronted him with my findings he tried to tell me that he told me that was a fake account and the girl in the videos had purportedly set all these up as a way to make money.

No.

Age: mid 30s
Ethnicity: Latino
Venue: okcupid
First date: didn’t happen
Dick pics: yes
Strengths: Attractive. Traveled. Cute accent/dialect. Had a technology and web focused job.
Interesting things of note: He didn’t have a car.
Lessons I should learn from this experience: Where there is smoke there is fire. You don’t have time for untruths Rebecca.
Status: done

<TANGENT>

With Google making it so easy to research and verify people these days I’m still shocked that Long Island was so sloppy with his alternate identity. It was not difficult to find him and many of his profiles pointed me to the next profile. Being in the web space for work makes this an inexcusable crime.

Maybe men don’t really worry about the dangers of meeting strangers. Their friends, relatives and colleagues probably aren’t as concerned for them, but many of the people I’ve seen or met with for one reason or another I’ve emailed them and not 1 stumbled on this blog. My URL is in my email address!

Pants did search some of my social media and honestly, it was kind of refreshing. I usually don’t go into a date completely unprepared.

</TANGENT> 

 

Spain
This guy. We matched on Tinder again while he was in Syracuse on business and he seems very into me, very curious about odd things about me, like what I ate. He also lives in Long Island. He claims that he will come here to see me, but not till January, right now is his busy season. He’s a commodities trader. He has a daughter that is 13 and lives with his mother in Alabama. Her mother is nowhere to be found. I’m pretty sure this is just an amusing distraction. But it is very amusing.

Age: mid 30s I think
Ethnicity: Spanish from Spain by way of Alabama
Venue: Tinder
First date: hasn’t happened
Dick pics: no
Strengths: tbd
Interesting things of note: flys to Alabama every weekend, goes to church
Lessons I should learn from this experience:  tbd
Status: amused texting


Tequila

I met this guy way before I met Justin. We went on one date. He drove up from Binghamton or further to meet me. We didn’t even kiss. At the time, he was in some complicated stuff with his ex and kids and who knows. We’ve kept in touch and I think he’s in between relationships again, potentially going to start working in Syracuse.. Currently we just text, I’m not sure I actually see potential, but he was very nice to me and continues to be nice.

Age: 40s
Ethnicity: Latino
Venue: Craigslist I think
First date: Coppertop – dinner & drinks 5 years ago
Dick pics: no
Strengths: Genuine. Open. He likes me.
Lessons I should learn from this experience: tbd
Interesting things of note: Has 2 kids and terrible ex relationship.
Status: texting


New Guy

This guy just moved back from PA to be closer to his daughter. He’s nice, domestically travelled, has a penchant for Boston, mild mannered, is passionate and positive about his job and life in general. He seems responsible. Can drive a manual transmission. I think it’s a little too early to make any conclusions.

Age: mid 30s
Ethnicity: white
Venue: Match
First date: Panera – coffee
Dick pics: no
Strengths: optimistic, he loves his daughter, is close to his family
Interesting things of note: Has a daughter. Seemingly decent relationship with his ex wife. Was a phlebotomist in a prior job.
Lessons I should learn from this experience: Too early to know.
Status: 2nd date scheduled

There are a couple more people on the fringes that I’m in various states of chat with and more pop up all the time, but these are the noteworthy ones. My therapist says about online dating that you mostly just need to be persistent, it takes a lot time to weed through.

This is a no brainer, but it seems like the dates that don’t center around alcohol are better quality candidates with the exception of the sex addicts. ;)

I also seem to be meeting the 2 extreme sides of the scale. On one hand there are the physically charged attractions, they aren’t panning out for long term. Then on the other hand the more dry, respectful guys don’t hold my interest, and I have a hard time ending things with them. I don’t think I’ve ever had a relationship that’s been a healthy balance of the both. One where there is a mutual sustained attraction and a respect on a mental level. I wonder if I’m capable of finding that. does someone like that exist?  Currently I’m trending towards valuing the passionate connections higher and that is making me happier in the short term, but here I am single at 40 having dragged my feet through my childbearing years. *sigh*

In retrospect I met a  couple decent guys via Magic the Gathering one of which I am still friends with today, the other broke my heart.. I now wish that i hadn’t gotten rid of all my decks, I had original cards. :( I have looked into local groups and there is one right near my house in Syracuse. I wonder if it would be worth the investment in buying new cards to meet people in a more traditional way. I’d have to reteach myself the game. hmmm.