i’ve been crazy emotional these last couple of days. i *think* it’s due to the election. i’m not sure when my emotional/patriotic fusion happened, i definitely remember feeling my heart swell and my eyes spill over when 9-11 happened, but who didn’t? Obama being elected was another emotional event for me, but these last couple of days have been particularly emotional, thinking that we are on the cusp of electing the nations first woman leader.
i know there is a part of me that thinks Mike Brown would have been very proud to see a woman elected as president. that has to be part of my extreme wave of emotions lately, he would have loved tonight.
i just can’t seem to pull myself together…
also, i’m about to get my period, so that might be heightening things. ;)
so for the first time, i had a dream with my dad in it. it was so surreal, it was literally like he was there.
i was at cath’s house, it was night, i was saying goodnight to my boyfriend (who oddly was jon hamm) and i walked back to the shed after he drove away cause i heard laughing and talking. a bunch of folks were sitting around, emily, cath, kitty, sarah and mike. everyone was just acting like it was normal. i looked hard at him and it was him, he even had a cut on his finger. noone seemed to be making a big deal about this. then emily got up to go inside to go to bed and i incredulously asked him “how?” he just kinda smiled and shrugged and was like “the conditions are just right”.. then he got up and went into the house, saying he was going to wake up the kids.
then i woke up.
it was nice.
i kind of feel like i’ve been just going through the motions lately.. i think i’ve been waiting for today to come and pass. *sigh* a lot of my attitude lately categorizes things in my “i don’t care” (#idc) column. i hope as the sun sets on this day, it will take my lackadaisical attitude with it.
so i’ve been thinking back on all the things that have happened and how life has changed in the last 366 days and while i’ve had some personal growths, end of a relationship, start of a new relationship, international travel, a move (kind of), debt payoff, more loss.. i think about Cath and how much change she’s had.
In that same time, Cath has lost her husband, lived on her own for the first time in her entire life, ended her 30+ year career, and lost her closest sibling. Change has been rolling in like a thunderstorm and i don’t think i know anyone that has handled it more bravely than Cath.
She’s easily the strongest woman i know and i am grateful to have her as an example of how to be brave and strong and how to weather the storm. i’m pretty sure this example is what has made my sisters and i the strong women we are today. i’m looking forward to seeing those qualities passed on to my nieces and nephews.
I love and miss you dad. selfishly, i wish you were still here today but i’m sure you are way more comfortable where you are now.
There’s a very simple way to get past the ugly cry face. Cry everyday. I do it. At work behind my monitors, in the car, especially in the car, in the shower, in bed. I’ve probably been crying more or less every day for the last year. When you just cry when the feeling hits you, you don’t build up a flood and thus avoid the “face”.
The last 12 months have given me many opportunities to practice this. It’s been a year of firsts without my dad, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, birthdays, the Greek festival…
I didn’t make the connection till I lost my shit when I got back form CO at Ryan’s that I’m exhausted and overwhelmed and sad and anxious, I’m tapped out. Accepting that Aunt Theresa is gone and now as we approach Father’s Day, and the anniversary of my Dads death, I feel depleted. My reserves are gone, I can’t be strong right now.
In less than a month will be the anniversary of that fateful Tuesday we took the kids to Billy Beez, Margaritaville and then an emergency stop at the green playground. That day, what seemed like 12 ambulances screamed by and Emily looked at me and said, “I don’t have a good feeling about this…”. That day we packed all the kids with no seat belts or car seats into the car to make the 3 block trek back home. That day my aunt Theresa intercepted me on the front lawn and hugged me and said “it’s the worst thing that could happen” when I asked what was going on. i didn’t realize he had in fact died in the driveway until we got to the hospital. the EMTs pretty much sugar coated the situation and gave me the hope i needed that something would be done at the hospital that allowed me to drive there.
i can only assume that my emotions might be getting the best of me in the next few weeks. more opportunities to perfect my cry face.