so for the first time, i had a dream with my dad in it. it was so surreal, it was literally like he was there.
i was at cath’s house, it was night, i was saying goodnight to my boyfriend (who oddly was jon hamm) and i walked back to the shed after he drove away cause i heard laughing and talking. a bunch of folks were sitting around, emily, cath, kitty, sarah and mike. everyone was just acting like it was normal. i looked hard at him and it was him, he even had a cut on his finger. noone seemed to be making a big deal about this. then emily got up to go inside to go to bed and i incredulously asked him “how?” he just kinda smiled and shrugged and was like “the conditions are just right”.. then he got up and went into the house, saying he was going to wake up the kids.
then i woke up.
it was nice.
i kind of feel like i’ve been just going through the motions lately.. i think i’ve been waiting for today to come and pass. *sigh* a lot of my attitude lately categorizes things in my “i don’t care” (#idc) column. i hope as the sun sets on this day, it will take my lackadaisical attitude with it.
so i’ve been thinking back on all the things that have happened and how life has changed in the last 366 days and while i’ve had some personal growths, end of a relationship, start of a new relationship, international travel, a move (kind of), debt payoff, more loss.. i think about Cath and how much change she’s had.
In that same time, Cath has lost her husband, lived on her own for the first time in her entire life, ended her 30+ year career, and lost her closest sibling. Change has been rolling in like a thunderstorm and i don’t think i know anyone that has handled it more bravely than Cath.
She’s easily the strongest woman i know and i am grateful to have her as an example of how to be brave and strong and how to weather the storm. i’m pretty sure this example is what has made my sisters and i the strong women we are today. i’m looking forward to seeing those qualities passed on to my nieces and nephews.
I love and miss you dad. selfishly, i wish you were still here today but i’m sure you are way more comfortable where you are now.
There’s a very simple way to get past the ugly cry face. Cry everyday. I do it. At work behind my monitors, in the car, especially in the car, in the shower, in bed. I’ve probably been crying more or less every day for the last year. When you just cry when the feeling hits you, you don’t build up a flood and thus avoid the “face”.
The last 12 months have given me many opportunities to practice this. It’s been a year of firsts without my dad, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, birthdays, the Greek festival…
I didn’t make the connection till I lost my shit when I got back form CO at Ryan’s that I’m exhausted and overwhelmed and sad and anxious, I’m tapped out. Accepting that Aunt Theresa is gone and now as we approach Father’s Day, and the anniversary of my Dads death, I feel depleted. My reserves are gone, I can’t be strong right now.
In less than a month will be the anniversary of that fateful Tuesday we took the kids to Billy Beez, Margaritaville and then an emergency stop at the green playground. That day, what seemed like 12 ambulances screamed by and Emily looked at me and said, “I don’t have a good feeling about this…”. That day we packed all the kids with no seat belts or car seats into the car to make the 3 block trek back home. That day my aunt Theresa intercepted me on the front lawn and hugged me and said “it’s the worst thing that could happen” when I asked what was going on. i didn’t realize he had in fact died in the driveway until we got to the hospital. the EMTs pretty much sugar coated the situation and gave me the hope i needed that something would be done at the hospital that allowed me to drive there.
i can only assume that my emotions might be getting the best of me in the next few weeks. more opportunities to perfect my cry face.
i recently had the opportunity to celebrate a dear friends upcoming nuptials in puerto rico. i jumped at the opportunity. i have never been to PR. here are some interesting things i learned/observed.
1. you don’t need a passport to travel there
2. their currency is us dollars
3. between the hours of midnight and 5am you don’t need to wait at red lights. this cuts down on “the carjackings”… i am glad we didn’t hear this until the day before we left. i think i would have been unnecessarily scared had we heard it at the car rental place.
4. verizon cell phone service doesn’t work in Rincon.
5. i think i have a “puerto rican” body. all the dress shops i noticed in the towns touted dresses with that dress cut i love, empire waist, flare skirt…
6. renting a place is kind of better than an all inclusive deal. it was certainly cheaper..
7. as with all foreign places, there are always other food options than the local cuisine. what we did eat of the local food was pretty damned delicious. mofongo is what i particularly enjoyed. it was mashed green plantains, heavy with garlic, and then topped with whatever – i had vegetarian, naturally, it was broccoli, cauliflower, carrots, all smothered with a brothy-butter. so good. and so garlicy.
8. lamborghinis are so effing loud. there was a douchebag that had one (amongst many other luxury sports cars he was happy to tell us) that he brought to Tamboo and just would move parking spaces all night. when it was time to leave, he was so loud. i’m pretty sure there is nowhere on that island he can drive that car faster than 40 miles an hour. he was a douche.
so this weekend i turned 40. they call it mid life. i somehow feel like i’m quite past mid life. i don’t think anyone in my family has made it past their 70’s yet.. i don’t know if it was the gravity of this birthday, the hormones in the birth control that i’m taking, or that i’ve been missing my dad so much lately, but i have been very sad in these last couple of weeks. pretty much every time i am alone in my car i break down crying.
i really have no reasons to be sad though. my family and friends went out of their ways to surprise me with a HUGE party. there were people at this party that i’ve not seen in 10-15 years.. to say i was shocked is an understatement. i’m beyond blessed to have so many people that care about me enough to be so generous to celebrate with me. i think i’ll be paying this forward for a very long time.